Understanding conflict

As the speed of business increases, the potential for misunderstanding, apprehension, and resentment among us also grows. It’s an invitation to conflict in the workplace. It doesn’t matter if you are one of five people in an office or 500 in a company, or 5,000 in a big corporation. Chaotic times generate strong emotions. The fear of loss – real or perceived – creates a sense of threat.

     Ironically, it is exactly as speed increases that the need for thoughtful responses is greatest. A snappy reply fired off precipitously often boomerangs,and if it’s shot off by email, the chance of misinterpretation escalates wildly.

It’s a 3-Step Dance

      When our communication gets off track, it often seems as if there are there are only two steps: Something happens and I react. You respond to my reaction, and we’re squaring off for battle!

      Here’s the good news: There actually are three steps.
      1.    Something happens.
      2.    I interpret the event, and then
      3.    I react to my interpretation.

      That middle step makes all the difference; this is where genuine personal power lies, in the ability to grow, change our interpretations, and alter our behaviour. So, if your communication boogie is feeling like a jitterbug when everyone else seems to be doing the tango, you may be missing that crucial step.

      We can learn to deal with this situation by using interpersonal skills that acknowledge the existence of the three steps and enable us to separate the person from the problem. This process allows us to check out assumptions, share concerns and adjust our understanding of what’s going on.


It Starts With Listening

      Listening is not just what your ears do; that’s hearing. Real listening is a psychological process that involves imagination and comprehension. The goal is to be able to listen to understand, before speaking to be understood; the skill is called “active listening”.

      Paraphrasing is a key active listening skill because it is the best way to clarify an assumption. The purpose is to demonstrate interest in and respect for the other person’s point of view while checking out your understanding.

       Each party then has an opportunity to correct misunderstandings and accept responsibility for their thoughts and feelings. If handled well, the exchange builds rapport and facilitates ongoing communication.

       We do this by using our own words to explain what we think we heard the other person say. Paraphrasing is characterized by statements such as “In other words, you feel that  …”  or “So, what you’re saying is …”. For example:

      I say,“This reorganization is too confusing. We don’t know who’s responsible for
         what anymore.”
      You say,“So, what you’re saying is that you’re not sure which role each of us will
         be playing on the new team system.”  Yes or no; it doesn’t matter. You’re
         checking it out, rather than proceeding on an assumption.
      I say: “No, I mean I don’t know who will be responsible for completing the
         monthly reports that our commissions are based on.”

       Ah, good point. Let’s get that one straightened out right away! If you still don’t seem to be getting through, remember that resistance is the negative expression of an unmet need. Keep probing, with empathy and openness.


Get Help To Move Ahead

       If a disagreement escalates, you may need a more formal method of resolution that requires specialized skills. Individual coaching for conflict resolution with a professional is one method. Bringing all the parties to the table with a neutral facilitator in a process called mediation is another way to come to a greater understanding that improves collaboration among coworkers.

      A collaborative approach in business is useful because it moves us from entrenched positions – such as attitudes, opinions, and demands – to the genuine interests that lie beneath them. Exploring these vast and often hidden areas enables us to uncover fertile ground where we can work together to achieve mutual goals.

     Communication in business is a means to achieve success, not an end in itself, and good communication is a win/win proposition.

 




Copyright(c) 2009 Carol J. Sutton